Author: polyyoda

I was ready to date. But what did that mean?

I had never been on a ‘real’ date before. I had been on dates with boyfriends but I had never been on a date with someone I had just met. And maybe I didn’t have to….

While on a walk with two girl friends of mine, we passed by two guys on the trail. I knew one of them, he and I graduated from the same high school, we will call him Jim, and he looked GOOD! Although, to be fair, I had always had a crush on him. I impulsively blurted out “Damn boy you look great!” Simultaneously feeling embarrassed and then instantly recovered when Jim smiled wide and said “You too babe.” My friends agreed it was like something out of a movie.

Serendipity stepped in to do the rest…

that night when I went to an Improv comedy show, Jim was also on the guest list. As if, was this real life? Through natural grace and socializing I was invited out with the performers after the show for some grub. Jim came too. After some light teasing and heavy eating we were all ready to go but I wanted more time. I invited the boys over to my place for some original SNES (Nintendo) Mario Kart. Luckily, only Jim took me up on my offer and we played all night long. We even managed to fit in some Nintendo!

I was ecstatic! He was so dreamy and he was older than me too so obviously one might assume this meant mature. I couldn’t believe I was dating Jim! I was reminded of the giddiness I felt when Coleton had come back to see my school play. Again, I felt like someone from a movie; which, I hope you are starting to notice, is not a healthy way to view the world. Placing people or experiences on a pedestal is unfair for them and you. Both Coleton and Jim appeared to really hurt me and I couldn’t fathom why when I was blinded by my view of them as Gods. But if I had just allowed them to be human I might not have seen it as such a shock when they behaved like humans. Now, this is where my pain and the title of this post come in to play.

Fast forward and my life was bliss.

Jim and I had been dating for three months and it was amazing. I was the most calm cool and collected I had ever been with a guy. Here I was officially ‘adulting’. We had great dates, even better sex and I wasn’t over bearing to him. How you ask? Well I was seeing other people. It was perfect! Or so I thought.

Turns out Jim was an anomaly, something I didn’t think existed, and instantly everything shattered to pieces because of it. Turns out he was the first person I had ever met to be exclusive with someone BEFORE having a conversation about it.

“Well, when you’re with your other girls…” I said super causally because in my mind nothing was weird about that.

“What other girls?!?”

“The other girls you’re dating!”

“I’m not seeing anyone else.”

My heart stopped.

What did he mean he wasn’t seeing anyone else? He was an attractive man in his 30’s?!? He didn’t ask me to be exclusive or I WOULD HAVE BEEN! I was devastated. I explained to him that I had been dating other people, assuming that he was too, and that we would eventually have “the talk.” Which would come when we had decided we were the most compatible fish in our current sea.

“Well I guess I can’t be mad at you because I never said anything. But this is just not what I’m about. I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”

I was pissed.

How could I have had everything I’ve ever wanted and have NO IDEA and then have it all DISAPPEAR over a misunderstanding?! Why wouldn’t he understand? He didn’t communicate his desire to be exclusive. Or his need to be my only one. Or his expectation to only sleep with one person at a time.

And then he really hurt my feelings…

“Yeah, I’m just not that type of person I wouldn’t sleep with more than one person at a time…its just mutual respect.” His words, soaked with layers of judgment like hail reentering the atmosphere over and over, showered over my heart. I preferred sleeping with one person at a time but guys never reciprocated that sentiment and yet here I was. The only thing that was helping me in being alone, dating, was now forcing me into aloneness, again. For the first time a guy wanted to date me for ‘real’ and I lost the opportunity because I didn’t know. Everything I’d ever been told seemed like a joke. A cruel, cruel, joke.

“Neither am I, once I am in a relationship. You never asked me to be exclusive and I have never met an adult to assume that as the default!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. We can be friends but this changes how I feel.”

We ran into each other at an event once; otherwise, I haven’t seen him since.

If there is anything I would say in this whole series that could be taken or used as advice it would be this…

DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING.

Jim assumed I was exclusive. I assumed he was not. We both lost the game. Ask all of your dates/partners/anyone you have interest in, what their needs, wants and expectations are, on day 1! Without knowing what everyone wants, someone, maybe everyone, are open to the possibility of being misunderstood, misguided or worse yet, hurt.

Good luck out there

May the Love by with you!

Poly Yoda

After Edward moved to the mountains I was ready to be single.

Leaving Greg was hard but leaving Edward was a little more like relief. Don’t get me wrong I was sad to lose Edward, because I felt like I had failed him, us and myself, but I could see that we were being unhealthy to each other. It was in our best interest to separate; consequently, I decided my best interest was to be single.

I managed to find myself a one bedroom palace in a garden suite of a mansion in North Vancouver. I lived at the top of the city on a quiet cul-de-sac; better yet, above my house was only forest, littered with hiking, mountain biking and the Baden Powell Trail (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baden-Powell_Trail). It was the most magical place and it was all mine. I felt like I was finally ready to ‘adult’, and take care of myself instead of someone else.

When Greg and I were together I started us on a healthier lifestyle and together we both lost about 30lbs. When I left Edward I refocused my energy into myself again and lost another 30lbs! I used my new transformed body to run a half marathon that year and gained some more of the ‘beach bod’ I had wanted when I originally started my transformation with Greg. Regardless, loosing 60 lbs. is definitely a game changer.

I continued to change my world by volunteering within my field of passion, music. I had been attending festivals for the last few summers and I wanted that culture in my daily life. Living in the city can be brutal and having a sense of community became invaluable. An easy transition, after working in a pub/night club to start working for the DJ’s that play there instead. It took a bit of time to network but I made it entertaining while running a muck with other industry friends;

and that is where this story starts…

The neat part about my new found confidence is that not only guys were approaching me, girls were too, and sometimes both! One night, after his shift at work, the Chef came down to ask me a question. While we were chatting, he pointed out his Lady Friend and wanted to know if I thought she was cute. It didn’t take me a moment to realize what he really wanted to know… I told him I would love to.

The three of us had a magical time. The two of them were not a serious couple, more like casual lovers, and that dynamic gave the three of us a lot of space to play with; moreover a lack of jealousy. It was so refreshing to be with a woman who was celebrating me instead of competing with me. After this experience, I realized, being single didn’t mean being alone. I could be with couples and it felt safe; we all knew our place. Not only did I feel loved, I felt special. I wanted to explore this dynamic more for myself.

I managed to find more than one profound experience being the ‘third wheel’ which I later discovered is more commonly known as the term ‘Unicorn’. I wouldn’t know any of the terms related to non-monogamy until I started my blog series the following year. For any readers who haven’t heard the term yet, typically ‘Unicorn’ has had a negative connotation. Generally, meaning a bisexual (usually female) in a derogatory role, as a couple’s pet or toy; additionally the Unicorn does not engage in another relationship for themselves. More loosely it just means the third person joining an already established couple.

As for the three of us, we navigated through a beautiful triad of a friendship that ebbed and flowed through other relationships over the course of 2 years. They found me when I was fresh from leaving Edward; coincidentally, a year later Chef and I helped our Lady friend when she left her abusive boyfriend. We were there to pick each other up and celebrate all that made us who we were. Scars and all. They are both still some of my closest friends.

I chose to take back the power of my title.

I had already celebrated love, with the couple from the Houseboat on their 10 year anniversary, and now with friends. Over the next 4 years (and counting) I have been a Unicorn of love; whether I was one of three or the third of two, my single life is full of love. I have powerful couples in my life who understand what it means to flow in life and love and I am forever grateful to be a part of their lives. More of those stories to come.

After my whirlwind adventures with Chef and Lady, I did go back to the idealization of a primary partner. Having someone, to do all of the fun things I wanted to do with, seemed ideal; moreover, later in life being intimate with our new friends along the way was like something out of a dream. I wanted to find my partner in crime. At this point, I was ready to jump into the dating pool but wasn’t sure where to start. My middle ground? The comfortable trusty old ‘friends-with-benefits’ arrangement never fails! I could easily slip into my usual modus operandi while regaining focus on myself. Or maybe I could try dating for real?

The following story deserves its own entry. Please read on next week…

May the love be with you

Poly Yoda

Karma has a way of coming back around, in some form or another.

My relationship following ‘Greg’ felt like my authenticity Karma coming back. We will call the next gentleman, Edward. As bad as the relationship may have been, he is not a bad person. Just as I had kept information from Greg to ‘protect’ him, this next relationship with Edward, I was ‘protected’ from information and learned how hurtful and unfair that can seem. The mixture of these two relationships and my stages of maturity provided a foundation of values and principles that I began to follow until my next transformational learning experience. Greg taught me what I wanted and Edward taught me what I needed to be clear about. If I wasn’t clear on my boundaries, Others could cross them. Or worse I would project my expectations on to the Other and sabotage any possibility of a relationship.

Again, I remind everyone reading, the following is my story and may or may not reflect actual reality.

Edward and I met through friends. My best friend crushed hard on his best friend and one day we all went to a concert together. Once the concert was over my friend asked me to keep Edward ‘occupied’ so she could swap spit with her crush; of course, I agreed. So began one of those chapters of life where you wonder if every lesson has to be learned; that being said, I don’t regret giving my energy to Edward but I wish we had let the exchange be what it was that night. We had a powerful physical connection. It’s too bad we dove into a fake reality, in the form of a relationship, to maintain our superficial connection. Although I commend us for trying to make it work as long as possible, that is no way to live powerfully. Anyway, I digress…

“But I want to see you, pleeeeeeeease!”

Edward was begging me to hang out two days after we met. I had slept with him the night we went to the concert and obviously he had a good time. I instantly felt terrible! I told my friend I wasn’t interested and I wouldn’t, but I did, sleep with him. It was my fault that he was calling me again a few days later. Not to say it was a bad thing he was calling, there was nothing presumably wrong with him, he just didn’t inspire my interest at first. The first time we hung out I wasn’t thinking about dating anyone, in fact I was still finalizing my breakup. That night, however, I felt Edward’s… uh… excitement, as we were making out and I became caught up in the….uh… moment. Okay, I’ll say it, he was huge. I had sex with him that night because of his beautiful penis.

Now that I got that out, I can get on with my story…

To be fair, most stories go “…so I slept with him and then I never saw him again!” I will even admit that I have been with people for that exact reason, the one time. I thought that was the deal with Edward; but, I’ll be honest, even though I didn’t necessarily care to hang out with him again, I loved the attention… and he sounded kind of cute when he begged. You may think I’m terrible but at least I am honest. At first he was just some average dude with a big…nose, but then something happened. Maybe it was because I had been told before that when a guy wants to see you, he will; Or, maybe that is just the premise of a Hollywood movie [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508]. But either way, here I was feeling on top of the world because, after one night with me, Edward couldn’t get enough.

This is the attention I was used to…

intense, passionate lust that burned as fast as it did hot. Before dating Greg and before Greg showed me what it was to be truly loved, lust was all I knew. I would casually hook up with a friend; slowly learning their desires, interests and passions, to be able to create a bond with them. By the time they decided to sleep with me they were already comforted by the friendship, creating space for us to let go of relationship games and drama. The only difference I noticed between me and their potential girlfriends was that I would not only pay attention to their interests I would also support them, good or bad; whereas, many of the women in the dating world created hoops for these boys to jump through. For example, statements like “I wont date smokers.” I realize now, these so called, ‘hoops’ are what’s needed to identify boundaries with each other within a relationship. If someone can identify their limits, their partner can freely play within them, or decide not to play at all. This allows a deeper understanding and more intimate space between each other. As well as the “sifting out” of incompatible partners and patterns.

Everyone wants to be loved on their own terms.

After my unconditional love established in their minds that they were worthy of love, friends of mine would often use their new found self-love as confidence, oozing out and amongst their world; eventually, attracting a lovely lady they truly desired. Leaving my position as “Karmic Exchange Buddy”, null and void. This pattern has been painful at times; however, at the end of the day no matter how much I love someone, if they find happiness, [more happiness] with someone else I WANT them to be together. The best example of this was when my favourite Karmic Exchange Buddy from my summer camp counselling days, Michelangelo, found his fiancé. I wrote about him in my last entry and when he finally found a committed relationship, even though I had high hopes for me, I was happy for him. They are now happily married and with a baby. There is no desire in me to separate or come between powerful love. I’ve even acted as a “wing-woman” for the guys I’ve had interest in. I will have more stories like this to come. Sure, sometimes, at my own cost; but, my goal for this world is for everyone to be aware of and surrounded by profound unconditional love, all ways, always.

So where does Edward fit?

I was interested in having someone in my life because I had just been in a three year happy monogamous relationship. Regular sex had been amazing and imagining a world without it was making Edward seem pretty good! Especially, if he was eager to see me; but, I didn’t want to repeat my habitual casual past if it would cause me to disconnect myself from the possibility of deeper connections, like before. I wasn’t ready to be alone but I didn’t want to rush into something. So I asked Edward anyway if he would be interested in being a casual friend while I took time to heal from my recent break-up. This was like asking a child if they wanted candy on the regular. Needless to say, he agreed. I figured, if we started open and if things happen to deepen, he would be okay with openness moving forward.

I was wrong. At least about the copacetic part. Ill explain…

Edward and I were perfectly casual for the summer. Very easy to accomplish with less work, more play and when people are for all intents and purposes flexible. After 4 months of honeymoon fun, Edward and I happened to both be invited to weddings. Uh oh, awkward!

When is the right time to bring a date to a wedding?

This social symbol [bringing a guest to a wedding] seemed to carry weight and meaning for Edward. I just wanted someone to dance with and talk to when the surface wedding conversations became unbearable and I needed someone to roll eyes with. Anyway, his opinion was clarified in a painful way while we were at his family friends wedding. Edward’s best friend’s, dad’s, girlfriend asked who I was and if we were dating each other. Edward laughed and said “Oh god no!” This might have been okay, had he just said it in jest; however, Edward decided to come find me after and tell me the story. Even though I was happy with where our friendship was and I didn’t desire more yet, it hurt to hear him say it with such disdain. Why make a point about how horrendous of an idea it might be?

At my friends wedding when people asked who Edward was…

there was no label or tether but I established history and connection, I simply said “He’s one of my closest friends.” He definitely wasn’t a best friend but I’d say the person who’s actually been inside you deserves the label of ‘closest friend’ …okay bad joke, but the point is I honored him as a person. He embarrassed me.

After the weddings I told Edward I wasn’t going to be a casual buddy anymore. If he wanted to sleep with me, we would have to start dating for real. I asked him for an open relationship so we could retain our sense of autonomy, yet still feel as though we have opportunity, while acknowledging our established connection.

I wanted to have someone to hang out with on lazy days and I wanted to go on dates when I felt inspired to.

He said he would never want to be in an open relationship. He rather stay friends but not sleep with me or try dating exclusively. We tried to be friends… for at least a few hours.

For the next 4 months Edward and I dated, but in a toxic, power trip kind of way. He denied any language that created connection (girlfriend, relationship, partner) while still demanding I be his arm candy when it was convenient, for him. I wouldn’t receive his confession until months after we broke up, about how he had cheated on me with five different women in varying degrees from kisses all the way to intercourse; but I knew each and every time it happened in my heart. His confessions actually freed me from a prison of questions that never settled for me, because the facts wouldn’t add up, I knew all along that my gut was right. Little things tipped me off like, when he wanted to go out with friends he needed his space, disregarding my invite.

The worst though was on his birthday, I should have walked away after this, but again, I digress…

I took him out for all you can eat sushi and spent $100 on whatever he wanted. I picked up his best friend, drove them to the liquor store, let them pre-drink at my house, then drove them downtown for a concert. When I dropped him off, his friend said not to wait up for them but Edward adamantly said he would be home after the concert and for me to wait up to buzz him in. I encouraged him to enjoy the night and that I would obviously be there when he got home. I waited up all night to make sure he wasn’t locked out of my apartment; considering, I lived in the city and he lived a half an hour outside of it.

By 4am his phone was off. He never showed.

The next day, he called while on his way to work, he told me his phone had died, he was too drunk to remember my number, he had stayed at his buddy Greg’s house and even though he was busy after his shift that night, he felt terrible and wanted me to come to his family birthday dinner to make up for leaving me hanging. I agreed and went to his place the following night for family birthday celebrations. After a beautiful dinner, dessert and presents we said goodnight to his parents and went to celebrate, alone, in the bedroom. It was a really good night. In the morning I woke up with him, even though I had the day off, and drove him to work.

This is when he proceeded to tell me that two nights before he wasn’t really at Greg’s.

He had met a girl on his birthday, went home with her and ‘tried’ to fuck her… so his story goes… he woke up naked and confused, turned to the girl and said “Did we fuck?” To which she replied “We tried” …but I think he just said that to get out of deep shit. Anyway, this was when I sat down with myself and thought about what this relationship was for me. I knew from the beginning I was in it for my own selfish reasons; attention and regular sex. So why did it bother me that he didn’t follow my hopes for a relationship. I already told myself I didn’t want a relationship with him. Why was I so mad?

That gosh darn idea that it is the “principle of the thing.”

Why couldn’t he just call drunk and say, “hey fuck it I’m having too much fun, I wont be home,” I could have gone to bed. Or the next day tell me, “Hey I fucked up I’m sorry I went home with someone else.” Instead, Edward slept with someone else, lied about it and then fucked me without a condom before telling me about her. He disrespected my time and put my body at risk. Matters of the heart, or whether I cared or not, still don’t take away from the immorality of lying and cheating. Our agreement was to tell each other BEFORE sleeping together if we’d been with anyone else. He lied to my face and then fucked it. Double whammy. Regardless of my feelings, I should have created consequences for his actions.

However, because I reminded myself I “didn’t care” about him as a relationship, I let it go and chalked it up to great clarification. He definitely wasn’t Mr. Right, he was Mr. Right Now. In hindsight though, I realize where I was inauthentic. I lied to myself. When Edward told his family adamantly, I was definitely NOT his girlfriend, my ego was pissed! In that moment I wanted to prove to him and everyone else that he would, or already had, fallen for me. I chose to stay with him to save my ego bruising. Here we were a week later and now my feelings joined the pity party. Makes sense why I was mad.

I thought, if I was patient, he would eventually realize my worth.

This is a common mistake with people. Many people will place the value of their worth into another’s hands. It is important to remember that we are all worthy of love. Regardless of who you are, where you live or who you spend your time with, we all deserve big love. If there are people in your life who do not support you with big love, look to those who do. Trying to convince anyone of your worth will only cause the reverse effect; like when entering a store and the clerk asks if you need assistance, most often people rather not be sold to. Simple, supply vs. demand. The freedom to choose and not feel pressured to pick is generally most desired. Anyway, I decided to stay with him after his birthday and gave myself excuses why:

I could be lazy and keep him while I found a new person, the only problem… When I had free time he occupied every moment, preventing my opportunity to meet others.

Until after 8 months of knowing Edward, I finally snapped.

I started to date other people. Considering he had a few shifty incidences until this point, I decided it was my time to be sneaky and I kept my dates on the DL. I started to play his game back at him. It became really interesting when we lived together. Anyway, I was sort of attempting to be his Karma and that is not up to us mortals to decide for each other. Our life became messy.

While living together we attempted friendship again. Unfortunately, I was so bitter about him keeping me all to himself while cheating on me, I was too vengeful to be any sort of friend. I even came home after a friends house-boating birthday party, gloating about a threesome I had had with a married couple. He had a dream about it and I had so much satisfaction when he woke up and turned to tell me

“Ugh I just had a dream about you in that threesome and you and the wife were so hot I cant even be mad.”

Anger is simply love dressed up in a scary costume.

Eventually, after a year and a half of knowing him, eight months of dating and four months of roommate hell, we separated. We gave our apartment to my friends whom had just gotten engaged. I moved in with a friend from high-school and Edward moved to a ski resort. A long road to have it end as abruptly as it did; although as I mentioned, we probably shouldn’t have ever started.

The good news, Edward found a relationship that lasted over three years in his little mountain town. He now lives off the coast and has started a new relationship. Him and I talk every now and then to catch up and occasionally swap relationship advice. I can honestly say he’s still one of my closest friends….but now I mean it in a very different way!

I leave you with a poem to sum up my moment in time with Edward and my philosophy for lovers…

No matter what happens between me and you

I want you to know a thing or two

I will always love you as a friend

Regardless of when our honeymoon ends

Play with me and also be kind

Good friends, my dear, are hard to find ❤

May the Love be with you

Poly Yoda ❤

After Coleton and I finally parted ways I decided I didn’t want to be casual with my sexuality anymore. I wanted a relationship with someone who would celebrate me (in action and in language) and not deny our relationship or connection (to me or his friends). I was 22 years old after all, that was ancient to me at the time, it was about time I have a “real” relationship. To me, all that ‘real’ meant was to be exclusive; in other words, to like each other enough to not be with anyone else. I wouldn’t realize until the end of our relationship and even more recently that this is far from the truth… ‘realness’ or reality consists of a combination of spoken and unspoken communication… but I will come back to that. For now I will tell the story of my first True Love. I believe there are several humans who come into our lives that would deserve ‘True Love’ status. Regardless of how many may come, he was one of them and this is (my side of) parts of our story.

For his confidentiality, I will call him Greg.

Greg and I met in high school, he was one of the guys out of a huge crew that I would chill with during lunch block. I got along with guys a lot easier than girls. Bullies from elementary school left a bad taste in my mouth so I allowed my attention to focus on positive relationships and the boys were really nice to me. It may have been my knowledge of their culture from having an older brother but I think it was probably because of my humongous breasts. By grade 11 I was wearing two bras, to keep everything in check, because designer and appropriately sized bras were over-budget for me; needless to say, the ‘girls’ were noticeable. Anyway, I was interested in one of the boys who became my best friend. Unfortunately, like a teen drama series, he was interested in one of the girls I could partially stand but still called a friend. What ended up happening is Greg liked me, I liked a different boy, who liked a different girl and the triangle went on like that for, what felt like, an eternity. In reality, we went separate ways before graduation.

Flash forward to about four years after high-school and I reconnected with a close friend from senior year. I am so thankful she brought me the gift of reconnecting me with Greg a few years after graduation, if it weren’t for her we would not have had the relationship that we did. As well, her ability to be there for me through the relationships ups and downs deepened our friendship.

“Guess who I’m really good friends with now?”

“Who?”

“Greg.”

I laughed a bit “Oh yeah, neat, maybe we can grab a brew one day?” I had always had this resistance to him liking me but at this point in my life it seemed to be the perfect time to give that up. I wanted to be liked. No. I wanted to be loved.

So that’s exactly what happened, I got in touch with him and the next time I was on the coast (he was living there for the summer) we went for dinner. Nachos, beer and a walk on the beach. We caught up like old times but this time, it felt different. I was actually kind of nervous. This boy who I had always cast aside as a friend had grown up into a lovely man who was courting me quite well. I remembered all the ways he had made me feel special in the past and how I would deny myself the pleasure of accepting his love because I was scared of what others would think. Now I was an adult and I had overcome my bully/victim complex…or so I thought, maybe for the time being, anyway more on that later… so I felt safe enough to let him in. I wish I could have had the strength to love him sooner. But I digress…

I can’t lie and say we lived happily ever after but I do know it was real love. We were together for three years. Ups and downs. Good and bad. Weddings, Funerals. Christmas, birthdays and Valentines. He broke up with me after a year for about a week and we worked through it; otherwise, we rarely fought and laughed often. He was my best friend and I loved him. I still love him.

Our lifestyles and personalities were very different. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. I was a vegan, he was a hunter. I love kids, he was not a fan. I was a hippie, he loved warfare; video games, paintball, and the like. We were quite opposite and eventually it caused a strain. As I was out with my friends and he was home I started to doubt our future; consequently, my eyes started to wander. I am loyal; therefore in those moments, where I felt my heart and mind being pulled away from Greg, I knew we were doomed. Not because I am incapable of monogamy, as we had been exclusive our entire relationship; rather, I realized I needed more than Greg had to offer but I still wanted to be loyal to him. I refuse to believe that this lacking of Greg being ‘enough’ even had anything to do with him. I knew in my gut I was meant to be with more than one person, at that point in my life.

Being loyal means “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution” 😦Oxford Dictionaries · © Oxford University Press). As a polyamorous person it is possible to be loyal and committed; in fact, I generally have a ‘favourite’ or ‘anchor partner’ who I create boundaries with. This provides a sense of loyalty to something as well as some structure to an otherwise open concept. Each poly relationship will be different from the next because each individual is different and we all have unique needs and desires. This is my favourite thing about polyamory. Knowing that I appreciate the people who are already in my life is a powerful value I am proud of. I want to honour the connections with the people in my life regardless of time. Just because I have met someone new does not immediately discount every person before them. Unfortunately, in monogamy it ended my relationship when I had a desire for someone from my past. When I had a temptation to break loyalty with Greg I felt sick to my stomach because I assumed he wouldn’t understand. I assumed that he would think my need to reconnect with old lovers, due to missing them and our connection, would be lost beneath his feelings of inadequacy. I still wanted to be with Greg, I just also wanted to be with someone from my past. We will call him Michelangelo.

Michelangelo and I had an animalistic connection, up to that point he was the best I had ever had, yes… sexually. And when it snowed and I was left at his house overnight because I drove an ’88 with summer tires it was hard to sip tea and play checkers all night. It was tempting to throw everything away, but why? Was I bored of Greg? Would that die too and then I would regret being with Michelangelo? I knew in my heart anything with Michelangelo was fleeting and thought it might be a sign to leave Greg. I was so conflicted. I started a long slow break up with Greg. Michelangelo and I never pushed our relationship further. I eventually met and lived with someone else down the road but that is a whole other story to come.

I miss my best friend. I miss “Greg.” I am happy to report he didn’t block me on every single social media platform! (lol) I am allowed to see his photos on and am so inspired to see him living the life I wanted for him. Traveling, cultivating his own food and above all valuing his health. I ran into him 7 years later but didnt have the guts to ask him the question I should have asked him several years ago…

Would you have been okay if I had other lovers? Or…

Would you be interested in Polyamory? I could have said, “I feel a desire to explore my sexuality with others can we talk about our boundaries?” I wish I gave us the conversation and the possibility.

I am so thankful for my relationship with Greg because he taught me to receive love. He taught me I wasn’t as authentic as I want to be. He showed me my desire to have a connection but not with only one person, forever after. He helped me realize the strength in commitment and the power in a ‘No’ to our own (or others) Egoic desires. He showed me my ability to remain loyal. He taught me that I love to serve a lover as a partner. I do not regret my life without him but I do wonder what it might have been like if he had wanted to stay with me? I imagined a whole life with him, a happy life on a farm with some kids; however, I also imagined other partners and community on the same farm. When I have land, if Greg ever shows up and is on board I would happily let him stay, I miss him most days.

I want to flow with life and the people around me, whenever we find each other. We only have moments in the now so if you are with me now, I am with you and as

I am thee, Thou is me, We are one.

May the Love be with you ❤

PolyYoda