Monogamous, non-monogamous, polyamorous, single, solopoly, married, when dating, it matters not what your status is, as human beings in relationship we have a moral obligation to tell the people, we are actively sleeping with, about the fact we are currently also sleeping with Other people (if that so happens). To not follow this code of conduct is unethical and I would argue immoral. To omit clarity of non-exclusiveness you rob your relationships/partners the opportunity for their emotional and physical well being.
I learned this the hard way on both sides….
I have had a relationship end and I have ended a relationship because of misunderstanding each other. At first I thought it was crazy to assume all adults aren’t naturally sleeping with more than one person while dating…but then I met someone who practiced exclusivity before opening up or committing deeper.
The point is: sharing is caring.
You don’t have to tell them who or details about what and it’s as simple as…
“I like you enough to be intimate with you but I need you to know I am already dating/engaged in other/another relationships/relationship right now and I have sex with that person/those people/them. What are your thoughts on exclusivity? Because I want us both feeling safe/heard/understood/loved (insert your own words).”
This allows for a discussion with the person you now care about. They will respect you for keeping their heart mind spirit and body safe. Then you can sort out how to proceed from there, depending on the MUTUAL agreement.
This, of course, is only if you’re looking to be an honest human being.
I felt terrible guilt today about the breakdown I had with a partner back in 2014 because I had an epiphany about my assumptions and possible narcissism. We dated for 3 months and I assumed we were both ‘dating;’ which is my label for what it means when you are sleeping with more than one person at a time. Turns out he wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings when he said that being exclusive was ‘mutual respect’. As an honest non-monogamist person practicing solo poly, his words stung when I heard them; because I care about respecting people that I love and I was shocked into the reality that not all men sleep around until they settle down. #newsflash #notallmen
Then I felt immense relief when I realized I expected my most recent partner to have already learned this by the time I met him. #Narcisissm on my part. I robbed him of his autonomy which is, next to honesty, the reason I live this lifestyle as everyone takes care of their own needs first… the same as an oxygen mask on a plane. So now I can let go of my anger and resentment for him not creating, what I now know is, mutual respect. I was throwing oxygen masks at everyone he introduced me to, he lost his trust in me, and I passed out from lack of air.
It’s not his fault that he hadn’t learned this crucial element, of respecting the ones you love and want to make love with before he met me. And just like my ex from 2014 left me I am allowed to follow my own boundaries, in fact, that is my responsibility. #healing
It’s not my responsibility to make it happen for him. Or tell his partners about me, I acknowledge and take responsibility for meddling. I overstepped his personal autonomy and his boundary of being able to share himself with others, at the right time for HIM. I tried by saying “I will not be a secret” at the beginning of our relationship. But at the end when I realized I was very much a deep secret he kept safe (even if that was deep in his heart) I felt had to leave. #heartbreak
I realize now that I was creating fear and causing doubt for both of us. I should have trusted him with my heart like he did with mine. My biggest fear was someone else pushing me out of his life and so I basically did it to myself.
I lost someone I felt very connected to because we are in different places. But I get now that it had nothing to do with me. #notpersonal
Thank you universe. This growing pain REALLY hurts because I lost a true love and grief is a BIG transition. But I thank you for teaching me everything in perfect time. Thank you for gifting me these two profoundly intelligent and beautiful men who loved me the best way they could. Thank you for mirroring myself back at me so I could grow. Thank you for eternally working in my favour.
Thank you
I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
💙
May the love be with you
Poly Yoda
Polyyoda 