I was ready to date. But what did that mean?
I had never been on a ‘real’ date before. I had been on dates with boyfriends but I had never been on a date with someone I had just met. And maybe I didn’t have to….
While on a walk with two girl friends of mine, we passed by two guys on the trail. I knew one of them, he and I graduated from the same high school, we will call him Jim, and he looked GOOD! Although, to be fair, I had always had a crush on him. I impulsively blurted out “Damn boy you look great!” Simultaneously feeling embarrassed and then instantly recovered when Jim smiled wide and said “You too babe.” My friends agreed it was like something out of a movie.
Serendipity stepped in to do the rest…
that night when I went to an Improv comedy show, Jim was also on the guest list. As if, was this real life? Through natural grace and socializing I was invited out with the performers after the show for some grub. Jim came too. After some light teasing and heavy eating we were all ready to go but I wanted more time. I invited the boys over to my place for some original SNES (Nintendo) Mario Kart. Luckily, only Jim took me up on my offer and we played all night long. We even managed to fit in some Nintendo!
I was ecstatic! He was so dreamy and he was older than me too so obviously one might assume this meant mature. I couldn’t believe I was dating Jim! I was reminded of the giddiness I felt when Coleton had come back to see my school play. Again, I felt like someone from a movie; which, I hope you are starting to notice, is not a healthy way to view the world. Placing people or experiences on a pedestal is unfair for them and you. Both Coleton and Jim appeared to really hurt me and I couldn’t fathom why when I was blinded by my view of them as Gods. But if I had just allowed them to be human I might not have seen it as such a shock when they behaved like humans. Now, this is where my pain and the title of this post come in to play.
Fast forward and my life was bliss.
Jim and I had been dating for three months and it was amazing. I was the most calm cool and collected I had ever been with a guy. Here I was officially ‘adulting’. We had great dates, even better sex and I wasn’t over bearing to him. How you ask? Well I was seeing other people. It was perfect! Or so I thought.
Turns out Jim was an anomaly, something I didn’t think existed, and instantly everything shattered to pieces because of it. Turns out he was the first person I had ever met to be exclusive with someone BEFORE having a conversation about it.
“Well, when you’re with your other girls…” I said super causally because in my mind nothing was weird about that.
“What other girls?!?”
“The other girls you’re dating!”
“I’m not seeing anyone else.”
My heart stopped.
What did he mean he wasn’t seeing anyone else? He was an attractive man in his 30’s?!? He didn’t ask me to be exclusive or I WOULD HAVE BEEN! I was devastated. I explained to him that I had been dating other people, assuming that he was too, and that we would eventually have “the talk.” Which would come when we had decided we were the most compatible fish in our current sea.
“Well I guess I can’t be mad at you because I never said anything. But this is just not what I’m about. I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”
I was pissed.
How could I have had everything I’ve ever wanted and have NO IDEA and then have it all DISAPPEAR over a misunderstanding?! Why wouldn’t he understand? He didn’t communicate his desire to be exclusive. Or his need to be my only one. Or his expectation to only sleep with one person at a time.
And then he really hurt my feelings…
“Yeah, I’m just not that type of person I wouldn’t sleep with more than one person at a time…its just mutual respect.” His words, soaked with layers of judgment like hail reentering the atmosphere over and over, showered over my heart. I preferred sleeping with one person at a time but guys never reciprocated that sentiment and yet here I was. The only thing that was helping me in being alone, dating, was now forcing me into aloneness, again. For the first time a guy wanted to date me for ‘real’ and I lost the opportunity because I didn’t know. Everything I’d ever been told seemed like a joke. A cruel, cruel, joke.
“Neither am I, once I am in a relationship. You never asked me to be exclusive and I have never met an adult to assume that as the default!”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. We can be friends but this changes how I feel.”
We ran into each other at an event once; otherwise, I haven’t seen him since.
If there is anything I would say in this whole series that could be taken or used as advice it would be this…
DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING.
Jim assumed I was exclusive. I assumed he was not. We both lost the game. Ask all of your dates/partners/anyone you have interest in, what their needs, wants and expectations are, on day 1! Without knowing what everyone wants, someone, maybe everyone, are open to the possibility of being misunderstood, misguided or worse yet, hurt.
Good luck out there
May the Love by with you!
Poly Yoda
Polyyoda 