Month: February 2018

I was ready to date. But what did that mean?

I had never been on a ‘real’ date before. I had been on dates with boyfriends but I had never been on a date with someone I had just met. And maybe I didn’t have to….

While on a walk with two girl friends of mine, we passed by two guys on the trail. I knew one of them, he and I graduated from the same high school, we will call him Jim, and he looked GOOD! Although, to be fair, I had always had a crush on him. I impulsively blurted out “Damn boy you look great!” Simultaneously feeling embarrassed and then instantly recovered when Jim smiled wide and said “You too babe.” My friends agreed it was like something out of a movie.

Serendipity stepped in to do the rest…

that night when I went to an Improv comedy show, Jim was also on the guest list. As if, was this real life? Through natural grace and socializing I was invited out with the performers after the show for some grub. Jim came too. After some light teasing and heavy eating we were all ready to go but I wanted more time. I invited the boys over to my place for some original SNES (Nintendo) Mario Kart. Luckily, only Jim took me up on my offer and we played all night long. We even managed to fit in some Nintendo!

I was ecstatic! He was so dreamy and he was older than me too so obviously one might assume this meant mature. I couldn’t believe I was dating Jim! I was reminded of the giddiness I felt when Coleton had come back to see my school play. Again, I felt like someone from a movie; which, I hope you are starting to notice, is not a healthy way to view the world. Placing people or experiences on a pedestal is unfair for them and you. Both Coleton and Jim appeared to really hurt me and I couldn’t fathom why when I was blinded by my view of them as Gods. But if I had just allowed them to be human I might not have seen it as such a shock when they behaved like humans. Now, this is where my pain and the title of this post come in to play.

Fast forward and my life was bliss.

Jim and I had been dating for three months and it was amazing. I was the most calm cool and collected I had ever been with a guy. Here I was officially ‘adulting’. We had great dates, even better sex and I wasn’t over bearing to him. How you ask? Well I was seeing other people. It was perfect! Or so I thought.

Turns out Jim was an anomaly, something I didn’t think existed, and instantly everything shattered to pieces because of it. Turns out he was the first person I had ever met to be exclusive with someone BEFORE having a conversation about it.

“Well, when you’re with your other girls…” I said super causally because in my mind nothing was weird about that.

“What other girls?!?”

“The other girls you’re dating!”

“I’m not seeing anyone else.”

My heart stopped.

What did he mean he wasn’t seeing anyone else? He was an attractive man in his 30’s?!? He didn’t ask me to be exclusive or I WOULD HAVE BEEN! I was devastated. I explained to him that I had been dating other people, assuming that he was too, and that we would eventually have “the talk.” Which would come when we had decided we were the most compatible fish in our current sea.

“Well I guess I can’t be mad at you because I never said anything. But this is just not what I’m about. I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”

I was pissed.

How could I have had everything I’ve ever wanted and have NO IDEA and then have it all DISAPPEAR over a misunderstanding?! Why wouldn’t he understand? He didn’t communicate his desire to be exclusive. Or his need to be my only one. Or his expectation to only sleep with one person at a time.

And then he really hurt my feelings…

“Yeah, I’m just not that type of person I wouldn’t sleep with more than one person at a time…its just mutual respect.” His words, soaked with layers of judgment like hail reentering the atmosphere over and over, showered over my heart. I preferred sleeping with one person at a time but guys never reciprocated that sentiment and yet here I was. The only thing that was helping me in being alone, dating, was now forcing me into aloneness, again. For the first time a guy wanted to date me for ‘real’ and I lost the opportunity because I didn’t know. Everything I’d ever been told seemed like a joke. A cruel, cruel, joke.

“Neither am I, once I am in a relationship. You never asked me to be exclusive and I have never met an adult to assume that as the default!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. We can be friends but this changes how I feel.”

We ran into each other at an event once; otherwise, I haven’t seen him since.

If there is anything I would say in this whole series that could be taken or used as advice it would be this…

DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING.

Jim assumed I was exclusive. I assumed he was not. We both lost the game. Ask all of your dates/partners/anyone you have interest in, what their needs, wants and expectations are, on day 1! Without knowing what everyone wants, someone, maybe everyone, are open to the possibility of being misunderstood, misguided or worse yet, hurt.

Good luck out there

May the Love by with you!

Poly Yoda

After Edward moved to the mountains I was ready to be single.

Leaving Greg was hard but leaving Edward was a little more like relief. Don’t get me wrong I was sad to lose Edward, because I felt like I had failed him, us and myself, but I could see that we were being unhealthy to each other. It was in our best interest to separate; consequently, I decided my best interest was to be single.

I managed to find myself a one bedroom palace in a garden suite of a mansion in North Vancouver. I lived at the top of the city on a quiet cul-de-sac; better yet, above my house was only forest, littered with hiking, mountain biking and the Baden Powell Trail (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baden-Powell_Trail). It was the most magical place and it was all mine. I felt like I was finally ready to ‘adult’, and take care of myself instead of someone else.

When Greg and I were together I started us on a healthier lifestyle and together we both lost about 30lbs. When I left Edward I refocused my energy into myself again and lost another 30lbs! I used my new transformed body to run a half marathon that year and gained some more of the ‘beach bod’ I had wanted when I originally started my transformation with Greg. Regardless, loosing 60 lbs. is definitely a game changer.

I continued to change my world by volunteering within my field of passion, music. I had been attending festivals for the last few summers and I wanted that culture in my daily life. Living in the city can be brutal and having a sense of community became invaluable. An easy transition, after working in a pub/night club to start working for the DJ’s that play there instead. It took a bit of time to network but I made it entertaining while running a muck with other industry friends;

and that is where this story starts…

The neat part about my new found confidence is that not only guys were approaching me, girls were too, and sometimes both! One night, after his shift at work, the Chef came down to ask me a question. While we were chatting, he pointed out his Lady Friend and wanted to know if I thought she was cute. It didn’t take me a moment to realize what he really wanted to know… I told him I would love to.

The three of us had a magical time. The two of them were not a serious couple, more like casual lovers, and that dynamic gave the three of us a lot of space to play with; moreover a lack of jealousy. It was so refreshing to be with a woman who was celebrating me instead of competing with me. After this experience, I realized, being single didn’t mean being alone. I could be with couples and it felt safe; we all knew our place. Not only did I feel loved, I felt special. I wanted to explore this dynamic more for myself.

I managed to find more than one profound experience being the ‘third wheel’ which I later discovered is more commonly known as the term ‘Unicorn’. I wouldn’t know any of the terms related to non-monogamy until I started my blog series the following year. For any readers who haven’t heard the term yet, typically ‘Unicorn’ has had a negative connotation. Generally, meaning a bisexual (usually female) in a derogatory role, as a couple’s pet or toy; additionally the Unicorn does not engage in another relationship for themselves. More loosely it just means the third person joining an already established couple.

As for the three of us, we navigated through a beautiful triad of a friendship that ebbed and flowed through other relationships over the course of 2 years. They found me when I was fresh from leaving Edward; coincidentally, a year later Chef and I helped our Lady friend when she left her abusive boyfriend. We were there to pick each other up and celebrate all that made us who we were. Scars and all. They are both still some of my closest friends.

I chose to take back the power of my title.

I had already celebrated love, with the couple from the Houseboat on their 10 year anniversary, and now with friends. Over the next 4 years (and counting) I have been a Unicorn of love; whether I was one of three or the third of two, my single life is full of love. I have powerful couples in my life who understand what it means to flow in life and love and I am forever grateful to be a part of their lives. More of those stories to come.

After my whirlwind adventures with Chef and Lady, I did go back to the idealization of a primary partner. Having someone, to do all of the fun things I wanted to do with, seemed ideal; moreover, later in life being intimate with our new friends along the way was like something out of a dream. I wanted to find my partner in crime. At this point, I was ready to jump into the dating pool but wasn’t sure where to start. My middle ground? The comfortable trusty old ‘friends-with-benefits’ arrangement never fails! I could easily slip into my usual modus operandi while regaining focus on myself. Or maybe I could try dating for real?

The following story deserves its own entry. Please read on next week…

May the love be with you

Poly Yoda