After Coleton and I finally parted ways I decided I didn’t want to be casual with my sexuality anymore. I wanted a relationship with someone who would celebrate me (in action and in language) and not deny our relationship or connection (to me or his friends). I was 22 years old after all, that was ancient to me at the time, it was about time I have a “real” relationship. To me, all that ‘real’ meant was to be exclusive; in other words, to like each other enough to not be with anyone else. I wouldn’t realize until the end of our relationship and even more recently that this is far from the truth… ‘realness’ or reality consists of a combination of spoken and unspoken communication… but I will come back to that. For now I will tell the story of my first True Love. I believe there are several humans who come into our lives that would deserve ‘True Love’ status. Regardless of how many may come, he was one of them and this is (my side of) parts of our story.
For his confidentiality, I will call him Greg.
Greg and I met in high school, he was one of the guys out of a huge crew that I would chill with during lunch block. I got along with guys a lot easier than girls. Bullies from elementary school left a bad taste in my mouth so I allowed my attention to focus on positive relationships and the boys were really nice to me. It may have been my knowledge of their culture from having an older brother but I think it was probably because of my humongous breasts. By grade 11 I was wearing two bras, to keep everything in check, because designer and appropriately sized bras were over-budget for me; needless to say, the ‘girls’ were noticeable. Anyway, I was interested in one of the boys who became my best friend. Unfortunately, like a teen drama series, he was interested in one of the girls I could partially stand but still called a friend. What ended up happening is Greg liked me, I liked a different boy, who liked a different girl and the triangle went on like that for, what felt like, an eternity. In reality, we went separate ways before graduation.
Flash forward to about four years after high-school and I reconnected with a close friend from senior year. I am so thankful she brought me the gift of reconnecting me with Greg a few years after graduation, if it weren’t for her we would not have had the relationship that we did. As well, her ability to be there for me through the relationships ups and downs deepened our friendship.
“Guess who I’m really good friends with now?”
“Who?”
“Greg.”
I laughed a bit “Oh yeah, neat, maybe we can grab a brew one day?” I had always had this resistance to him liking me but at this point in my life it seemed to be the perfect time to give that up. I wanted to be liked. No. I wanted to be loved.
So that’s exactly what happened, I got in touch with him and the next time I was on the coast (he was living there for the summer) we went for dinner. Nachos, beer and a walk on the beach. We caught up like old times but this time, it felt different. I was actually kind of nervous. This boy who I had always cast aside as a friend had grown up into a lovely man who was courting me quite well. I remembered all the ways he had made me feel special in the past and how I would deny myself the pleasure of accepting his love because I was scared of what others would think. Now I was an adult and I had overcome my bully/victim complex…or so I thought, maybe for the time being, anyway more on that later… so I felt safe enough to let him in. I wish I could have had the strength to love him sooner. But I digress…
I can’t lie and say we lived happily ever after but I do know it was real love. We were together for three years. Ups and downs. Good and bad. Weddings, Funerals. Christmas, birthdays and Valentines. He broke up with me after a year for about a week and we worked through it; otherwise, we rarely fought and laughed often. He was my best friend and I loved him. I still love him.
Our lifestyles and personalities were very different. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. I was a vegan, he was a hunter. I love kids, he was not a fan. I was a hippie, he loved warfare; video games, paintball, and the like. We were quite opposite and eventually it caused a strain. As I was out with my friends and he was home I started to doubt our future; consequently, my eyes started to wander. I am loyal; therefore in those moments, where I felt my heart and mind being pulled away from Greg, I knew we were doomed. Not because I am incapable of monogamy, as we had been exclusive our entire relationship; rather, I realized I needed more than Greg had to offer but I still wanted to be loyal to him. I refuse to believe that this lacking of Greg being ‘enough’ even had anything to do with him. I knew in my gut I was meant to be with more than one person, at that point in my life.
Being loyal means “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution” 😦Oxford Dictionaries · © Oxford University Press). As a polyamorous person it is possible to be loyal and committed; in fact, I generally have a ‘favourite’ or ‘anchor partner’ who I create boundaries with. This provides a sense of loyalty to something as well as some structure to an otherwise open concept. Each poly relationship will be different from the next because each individual is different and we all have unique needs and desires. This is my favourite thing about polyamory. Knowing that I appreciate the people who are already in my life is a powerful value I am proud of. I want to honour the connections with the people in my life regardless of time. Just because I have met someone new does not immediately discount every person before them. Unfortunately, in monogamy it ended my relationship when I had a desire for someone from my past. When I had a temptation to break loyalty with Greg I felt sick to my stomach because I assumed he wouldn’t understand. I assumed that he would think my need to reconnect with old lovers, due to missing them and our connection, would be lost beneath his feelings of inadequacy. I still wanted to be with Greg, I just also wanted to be with someone from my past. We will call him Michelangelo.
Michelangelo and I had an animalistic connection, up to that point he was the best I had ever had, yes… sexually. And when it snowed and I was left at his house overnight because I drove an ’88 with summer tires it was hard to sip tea and play checkers all night. It was tempting to throw everything away, but why? Was I bored of Greg? Would that die too and then I would regret being with Michelangelo? I knew in my heart anything with Michelangelo was fleeting and thought it might be a sign to leave Greg. I was so conflicted. I started a long slow break up with Greg. Michelangelo and I never pushed our relationship further. I eventually met and lived with someone else down the road but that is a whole other story to come.
I miss my best friend. I miss “Greg.” I am happy to report he didn’t block me on every single social media platform! (lol) I am allowed to see his photos on and am so inspired to see him living the life I wanted for him. Traveling, cultivating his own food and above all valuing his health. I ran into him 7 years later but didnt have the guts to ask him the question I should have asked him several years ago…
Would you have been okay if I had other lovers? Or…
Would you be interested in Polyamory? I could have said, “I feel a desire to explore my sexuality with others can we talk about our boundaries?” I wish I gave us the conversation and the possibility.
I am so thankful for my relationship with Greg because he taught me to receive love. He taught me I wasn’t as authentic as I want to be. He showed me my desire to have a connection but not with only one person, forever after. He helped me realize the strength in commitment and the power in a ‘No’ to our own (or others) Egoic desires. He showed me my ability to remain loyal. He taught me that I love to serve a lover as a partner. I do not regret my life without him but I do wonder what it might have been like if he had wanted to stay with me? I imagined a whole life with him, a happy life on a farm with some kids; however, I also imagined other partners and community on the same farm. When I have land, if Greg ever shows up and is on board I would happily let him stay, I miss him most days.
I want to flow with life and the people around me, whenever we find each other. We only have moments in the now so if you are with me now, I am with you and as
I am thee, Thou is me, We are one.
May the Love be with you ❤
PolyYoda
Polyyoda 