“Good to see you, what made you come tonight?”
I was so excited to see him. I couldn’t believe he was at the school that night. He hadn’t been a student for 4 years, why would he care about the grad play?
“I told you I would come see your final play.”
I was instantly the lead role of a heartthrob MTV teen movie special. I was the awkward girl finally getting her shining moment…my high school crush was there, showing up in and of itself was a grandiose gesture, let alone 4 years after graduating! I had even forgotten about the promise he made to me. But he didn’t.
My life was forever changed.
Looking back on this relationship over the years I have had mixed feelings. It was definitely not a fairy tale and I learned that fairy tales are like unicorns; you may think you have found one but when you look closer its the shadow of a horse. Now in this moment I am happy, grateful and so infinitely proud of the connection I am about to describe. I am not sure how it will look on paper but the next few hundred words will never do justice to the dream I lived through and the demons I conquered by knowing this human. We will call him Coleton. Keep in mind situations are in my perspective and may not reflect actual reality.
Coleton is beautiful. To everyone else he was beautiful on the outside, and he was; tall, dark, brooding, amazing jaw line, even better teeth. Even as a 16 year old he had a perfect 5 o’clock shadow. To me too, of course he was beautiful but, that was obvious; and I wanted to know more about the inside. Inquisitive, intelligent, ethical, imaginative, creative, humble, guarded, and queer. I wouldn’t know for sure about that last one for another 6 or so years but I always knew in my heart. He had been open to loving whomever he loved, but he never labelled it. I knew he was guarded and I assumed he was unhappy so I tried my best to bring him joy; consequently, he taught me that no person can ever be the source of another person’s happiness. Happiness must come from within the self and project outward, not the other way around.This was among many other lessons we learned together but enough of the sap, let’s get to the point.
Coleton was my first consensual polyamorous relationship. We didn’t call it that but that’s what it turned out to be. After that night at my graduation play him and I dated for about a month and then I left for Quebec to go on a language exchange program. When I got home Coleton explained to me he wanted a very casual relationship. This worked out for me because I was finally graduated and ready to start dating; as I had spent most of my school ages avoiding relationships. I had some awkward moments as a teen and I knew the boys in my neighborhood were not headed towards the same lifestyle that I was heading towards. So no point in engaging in the drama. The arrangement was perfect: Coleton and I would hang out after work and watch movies, make out, talk about nerdy things, have sex, play video games and do it all over again. We casually dated for four years. Mostly kept under wraps… although, I did tell every single girl I knew. Even better than sleeping with ‘the boy every girl wanted’ was that he was my best friend. We actually got along and he could keep up with my mind, better yet he could challenge me and teach me a thing or two.
For the better part of 5 years Coleton was my dating Guru. I would go have a date with a boy and it would go amazingly well, or amazingly disastrous… either way, Coleton would be there to hear about it after. Even when I dated his best friend and then the friends little brother, and the little brothers best friend (sorry not sorry!). If it was good, a gentle reminder would dance off his tongue warning me not to be so excited as to smother the boy or push him away. If it was a bad date, a soft praise would gently bring my heart back to a steady beat. Coleton always knew how to make me smile. Even if it was at the cost of my own humility, he was always good at getting a rise out of me and he loved it too. He loved me too.
Our love was not the conventional love you see in a movie. It might have started that way but I know that is because we were taught to be romantic in that way. We were taught to watch for the ones who sweep us off our feet. He courted me like a teen movie because that’s where he learned it from. Coleton and I recognized each other for what we were. Different. We loved being together because we couldn’t be with the ones we wanted.
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Coldplay – Fix You
This song came out around the time that Coleton and I finally parted ways and it struck a chord for me. Especially this line….
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you.
Him and I saw the light in each other and tried to fix what blocked it. What we both realized was how to fix ourselves instead of someone else. After dating me, Coleton dated a friend of mine before eventually dating men and women. I haven’t seen him in about 6 years, other than the occasional chance encounter, but I think he’s well. I hope wherever he is that he is happy and free to be himself, as he always let me be.
Coleton and my relationship really exposed my true poly nature to myself. After a date with a boy I would come home to Coleton and talk about the date. After my story and his advice on what I did well or where I could improve we would congratulate each other with sex. This lifestyle of openness, sharing, celebrations of love, compersion and a willingness to communicate our opinions and desires set a foundation for me and I would not realize its vast benefits until much later in my journey; until very recently. I am comfortable sharing my stories about my lovers because that is all I know. I am comfortable sharing my lovers with other people because that is all I know. I have been given unconditional freedom and that is all I want to know. I am forever grateful to Coleton for providing me the space to understand myself while keeping me safe. Knowing I always had my best friend to lean on kept me from looking to those that might not appreciate the position; possibly taking advantage of the situation. Coleton taught me how to stick up for myself without tearing people down and how to let a man lead without losing myself. As they say…if you never try you’ll never know just what your worth.
I am worth the freedom I crave.
I am unconditional love.
I am enough.
Thank you Coleton, I love you.
May the Love be with you ❤
PolyYoda
Polyyoda 